But by Degrees Read online

  BUT BY DEGREES

  Kit Eyre

  Copyright © 2016 by Kit Eyre

  All rights reserved. This book or any portion thereof may not be reproduced or used in any manner whatsoever without the express written permission of the author except for the use of brief quotations in a book review.

  First Published, 2016

  Dedicated to Kathleen White

  and Marjorie Brown

  Chapter 1

  June 2011

  The Gerbera petals withered over the reception desk like orange peelings. I plucked one loose and crushed it between my thumb and forefinger till it bled into my skin. As the clip of heels echoed around the lobby, I let the petal droop onto the high gloss and straightened my shoulders. Either side of me, Harriet and Gemma edged closer.

  The manager coiled around the desk and peered at me. ‘I understand you’d like a tour. I’m afraid that won’t be possible.’

  ‘You’ve been a long time deciding that,’ I said.

  ‘Danni,’ Gemma muttered, grazing my wrist with her fingers.

  I shrugged her away. ‘No, she’s been making a call. Asking for the official line, how to get rid of me.’

  ‘Well, I’d heard you were paranoid but honestly . . .’ The manager threw Gemma an indulgent look then continued, ‘I was actually checking whether the walking stick would be a hazard. Under the circumstances, I’m afraid it would be.’

  ‘What circumstances?’ I demanded. ‘You cater for old ladies! Or do they all fly round on hoverboards to keep them off the floor?’

  ‘That stick is evidently homemade. It seems a little unstable to me.’

  Heat flooded through my body. Harriet cleared her throat before I could react, stepping forward and dumping her bony elbows onto the desk.

  ‘How about me?’ she asked. ‘Could I have a look around?’

  ‘I’m not sure who you are,’ the manager admitted.

  Harriet let out a bark of laughter. ‘Don’t know whether to be offended by that or not. Harriet Fitch – do you know the name?’

  ‘Of course, yes. We spoke on the phone several times before you left Gerbera. You were always very helpful. Look, I’m sorry, Mrs Fitch. About what happened to you, I’m sorry.’

  The implication rippled through the three of us. Gemma’s hand caught on my shoulder, but this time I shoved her away.

  ‘You’re sorry for Harriet?’ I queried.

  With the desk between us, the manager simply crossed her arms.

  ‘No, come on, tell me. You’re sorry for Harriet, but you don’t give a toss about me, is that it?’

  Scorn flashed in her eyes. ‘The way I hear it, you’re not the victim.’

  ‘I think it’s time to go,’ said Gemma, pressing a palm to my spine.

  I let her steer me around like a stricken boat, lilting onto my stick. She wisely let her arm drop as I took my first halting steps to the door and I focused on the sweat pooling between my fingers to distract me from the manager probably still glaring behind us.

  Then she called, ‘After what you did to that poor woman, how you can expect sympathy is beyond me. Jude Hogarth didn’t get any from –’

  I spun around, striking my stick towards the desk. It skidded over the gloss and swept the Gerbera daisy onto the floor, the vase shattering into a mess of blue shards. The manager leapt away, swearing and grabbing for the phone.

  ‘You’re a nutcase. I’ll call the police. Criminal damage, that’s what this is. No wonder you’ve got a trail of casualties a mile –’

  ‘Best call your bosses back first,’ I cut in. I inched closer and thumped my stick against the side of the desk. ‘See if they fancy you involving the police. They might not want my face all over the papers again, not when it’s still unsolved and they’re pissing about setting up sodding memorial funds for –’

  ‘Danielle,’ Harriet interrupted. ‘That’s enough.’

  I growled but backed off, clutching at my stick like a life buoy. Harriet stepped between me and the desk, narrow eyes pinned on the manager.

  ‘It’s only a vase. Your regional coordinator wouldn’t thank you for kicking up a stink. Sweep it away and move on, that’s my advice. Oh,’ she added before she turned towards the door, ‘and don’t you dare say she’s not a victim in all of this or a smashed vase’ll be the least of your problems. Come on, girls; let’s get out of here.’

  As soon as we were clear of Wolverhampton, I ordered Harriet to pull over.

  My body was humming, countless bursts of pain clustering straight into my bad leg. I stumbled beyond the layby into the field and juddered to a halt, grinding my stick into the grass. While the more anaemic blades yielded, crumpling over each other as they fell, a few hardy shoots coiled around the wood and clung on. It was enough to still my hand, and I watched a chunky earthworm burrowing away from me back into the soil.

  Finally, footsteps padded across the grass behind me. It was Gemma; Harriet clomped on even the fluffiest carpets. I twisted to greet her, grateful of the way my muscle contracted, then bristled at the expression on her face.

  ‘Don’t yell at me, Gem, okay? She was a bitch, she had it coming.’

  Gemma hooked her arms together and squinted at me through the sunlight. ‘What are you mad at?’

  ‘What do you mean – what am I mad at? She practically called me a murderer.’

  ‘Yeah, so have a load of other people. You don’t go trying to lop their heads off with your stick. Come on, Dan.’

  ‘I don’t know what you’re getting at,’ I lied.

  She sighed. ‘You don’t talk about her.’

  ‘There’s a reason for that,’ I reminded her, scuffing my trainer through the dirt again. It turned up the earthworm, quivering against the light. ‘I’m doing this for me. It’s nothing to do with her.’

  Gemma didn’t answer straight away. She gazed past me into the sun until her eyes glistened then she blinked a few times and shifted her attention back to me.

  ‘I wanted you angry. I wanted you fighting, feeling something. After all these years I thought I knew what it’d be like. You get stuck in, Dan; that’s what you do. It doesn’t last long, but it’s gorgeous while it’s there. That’s why I used to push it when we were together, wind you up.’

  ‘I thought that was because you wanted to shag every woman in sight,’ I retorted, then I winced. ‘I’m sorry, I didn’t mean that.’

  She clutched her elbows. ‘You’ve every right.’

  ‘It’s ancient history. We’ve always been better mates than anything else. It’s not like I blame you for me getting involved with . . .’

  ‘Well, I blame myself,’ she murmured. She swallowed and went on, ‘You were okay back there till you heard her name.’

  I snorted. ‘That’s pushing it a bit. I wanted to thump the woman the moment we walked in there, sanctimonious –’

  ‘Yeah, but you didn’t try to,’ Gemma interjected.

  The words hovered in the air then evaporated as Harriet shouted, ‘I’m not wandering into the middle of a bloody field just so you two can do a Sound of Music bit. Get back here.’

  Gemma rolled her eyes, the tension melting away. We walked back to the lay-by, her steps matched to mine, and found Harriet leaning against the car smoking a cigarette and drumming her fingers on the side window.

  ‘What’s the plan, girls?’ she asked when we reached her.

  ‘Go to the Solihull home, just like we were going to,’ Gemma said.

  Harriet gestured to me. ‘What about the Terminator here? Swear I’ve got manky porcelain stuck in my hair from that vase.’

  ‘How would you tell with that bird’s nest?’ I shot back.

  ‘I’ll let you have that one now I’ve seen what you can do with that stick,’ she replied.
Then she crossed her arms and met my eye. ‘Seriously, though, we won’t find out a bloody thing if you go off on one like that again.’

  I nibbled on my lip. ‘You still think there’s something to find?’

  ‘Don’t be thick, Danielle. After that little performance, of course there’s something to bloody well find.’

  Petunia House was a recent Gerbera Living build, from the last ten years or so.

  The half a dozen homes we’d visited so far were all clinical to the point of claustrophobic. No matter what the gormless idiots on the leaflets said, they were still places you sent your family to die quietly out of the way. This one, though, seemed alive. Sarah Vaughan’s distinctive voice was filtering through an open window and the whole place was crowded with colour. When we walked into the foyer, I blinked against the sudden irregularity of violet and lime green, consequently missing whatever introductory glance the skeletal woman behind the desk gave us. By the time I looked into her face, her lips were pinched.

  ‘Here we go again,’ I muttered.

  Harriet nudged my arm. ‘Let me do the talking this time.’

  We approached in a row, me in the middle. From the way the woman’s eyes drifted down to my leg, she knew exactly who we were. Maybe that cow in Wolverhampton had called ahead, or maybe an email had gone out. Either way, she was prepared.

  We hadn’t even reached the desk before she jumped out of her chair. I was prepared for another abrupt eviction until she did the most surprising thing I’d encountered for a while – she held out a hand. It was so long since that had happened that I forgot I was meant to shake it until Gemma elbowed me in the ribs.

  ‘I’m Sue,’ the woman said, squeezing my fingers hard. She let go and shook hands with Harriet and Gemma in turn. ‘I’m the manager here. It’s nice to meet you.’

  It hadn’t escaped any of us that she hadn’t asked who we were. I shifted my weight, leaning against my stick and waiting for Harriet to take the lead as she’d promised. But she didn’t. Instead, the silence stretched till I couldn’t stand it.

  ‘I wondered if . . .’ I began then grimaced at my fragile tone. ‘Could we maybe . . . look around?’

  Sue tapped on the desk, looking between Harriet and Gemma. ‘There’s coffee in that nook over there if you want some. Biscuits, too.’

  ‘Danni?’ Gemma questioned.

  ‘Get me a coffee,’ I replied.

  They drifted away and I shuffled closer to rest my arms on the desk. I still expected her to flinch back, but she didn’t.

  ‘I got a call not ten minutes ago,’ she explained. ‘I was to make it sound natural, suggest you go to Cheltenham next, but I won’t do it. Someone wants you in Cheltenham tomorrow, that’s the truth. I won’t lie to you.’

  ‘Who?’ I asked.

  ‘I don’t know. I’m just relaying a message. Look, Miss Morris, you’ve got my sympathy, you always did. Please don’t think I believed it. But you’ll understand I can’t let you look around today, I don’t want the residents upsetting.’

  I hesitated before stretching my hand over hers. She simply nodded and I twisted away from the desk, intent on ushering Harriet and Gemma towards the door. Then something occurred to me and I turned back to Sue’s gentle gaze.

  ‘You don’t have the Gerbera daisy on the desk,’ I said. ‘Thought it was company policy these days, to show a bit of solidarity and all that.’

  Sue sniffed and motioned to the kaleidoscopic foyer. ‘It doesn’t match the colour scheme.’

  Chapter 2

  February 2010

  Jude’s peppermint tea still oozed across the meeting room, even though we’d been stuffed inside here for twenty minutes now.

  This was her morning break cup, brewed at 10:15 in her daffodil mug. I’d watched her do it so many times, tickling the bag with the teaspoon until it stained the water green before grabbing a Viennese finger and heading outside. I usually trooped along behind, perching on the crumbling wall beside her to hear in whispers about when we could see each other next. Recalling those sycophantic mornings brought a flush to my cheeks, and I lost the train of the meeting until Matt Draper slapped a hand against the table.

  ‘It’s alright you saying that,’ he snapped, ‘but you’re not dealing with the workload, are you? My team have got enough on without going down into the flipping cellars.’

  Harriet leaned back in her chair. ‘Well, if you don’t, then we don’t move, do we? Do you want to be the one explaining to the board why, when we’ve been offered state-of-the-art premises in the middle of Leeds, we choose to stay in a rotting heap with the constant whiff of horse shit?’

  ‘That’s unfair. It’s not down to us.’

  ‘What do you want from me, Matthew? You’re always the one saying you never get any responsibility. Look at it just falling into your lap.’

  ‘It’ll be you complaining when we get charged for not paying invoices on time so, no, we can’t do it. Besides, no offence to George or Linda, but they wouldn’t have a clue. Me and Ed wouldn’t be able to do it and we’ve worked here years longer. We haven’t got the overview, maybe because you vetoed those intro sessions we were all meant to have.’

  ‘Talk about raking over the bloody past,’ Harriet said, bashing her pen on the desk. ‘I suppose I have to do it by that reckoning.’

  He replied, but the words drifted through me. I’d just caught another whiff of peppermint tea, mingled with the tang of perfume, and it’d snagged in my throat. My eyes skimmed upwards, only to find Jude’s green ones fixed on me. The row between Harriet and Matt droned on until Jude’s lips twisted into an intimate smile and I jolted my gaze from hers.

  ‘For God’s sake, I’ll do it.’

  Everyone’s attention swivelled round to me. The expression on Caroline’s face was somewhere between a constipated hyena and a dragon, though it was still a better prospect than looking at Jude right now.

  ‘I’ve worked here for ages,’ I went on before anyone could speak. ‘AR and HR, and I’m not an idiot. I’ve done bits and pieces all over the place. If in doubt, put it in for scanning.’

  ‘And how long will all that take, hmm?’ Caroline queried. ‘Organising and scanning, it’s not a supervisor’s work. There’s enough going on in our team –’

  ‘She can do the separating out,’ Harriet cut in. ‘Then AP can do the scanning.’

  Matt slumped back in his chair. ‘Don’t know why I bother.’

  ‘It’s still a long time for my supervisor to be out of commission,’ Caroline said. ‘Why must the burden be taken on by my department?’

  Across the table, Jude cleared her throat. ‘I’ll help her. It’ll be quicker that way.’

  ‘Fine,’ Harriet said.

  ‘No,’ I argued. Everyone was looking at me again, and my cheeks burned. ‘What I mean is, there’s no need. Jude’s a manager, she shouldn’t be messing around in the cellar.’

  ‘We all have to pitch in,’ said Jude.

  Harriet pinched her pen between her thumb and middle finger. ‘Just the attitude I want. You two start this afternoon and let me know when the scanning needs doing.’

  Matt’s grumble was echoed by Caroline, but neither of them pushed it. I tucked my hair back and squeezed my eyes shut, willing this whole day over.

  ‘What’s next on the agenda?’ Caroline questioned finally.

  With a growl, Harriet replied, ‘We haven’t finished the first bloody item yet.’

  The cellar reeked of mouldering paper.

  Harriet’s idea of document retention was telling one of the clerks to chuck everything from upstairs into a bag and dump it down here. Over time, the bags had split, spilling chunks of invoices, statements and memos across the speckled stone floor. Even the moth-eaten sofa was encrusted with a layer of yellowing paper that crackled every few seconds. Something down here was seeping air, whether it was a concealed vent from decades ago or crumbling brickwork.

  I halted in the middle of the room and chafed at my arms, but my han
ds stilled when footsteps reverberated on the staircase behind me. I could kid myself the hairs prickling up along my neck were down to the cold, not the fact Jude was joining me at the site of our first kiss late last summer. Maybe the parallel had occurred to her upstairs; maybe she reckoned it was some sort of coded love letter from me to her. Well, it wasn’t.

  ‘Danni? I made you a coffee.’

  ‘Thank you.’ I didn’t turn around, staring into the paperwork mountain instead. ‘So where do we start?’

  ‘I – I thought we could talk.’

  ‘Yeah, I know you did. But I volunteered for this because it needs doing, not so you could ambush me and start a row.’

  ‘Sweetheart –’

  ‘Don’t,’ I interrupted.

  ‘I’m not after a row,’ she insisted. ‘You’ve barely looked at me in weeks, I just . . .’

  She trailed off when I spun around to face her. I dug my fists into my pockets and held her gaze till her shoulders buckled and she lowered her chin. She swept a hand vaguely towards the sofa.

  ‘We’ll do that first so we can sit down.’

  I grasped a sheaf of papers bristling on the sunken cushion and began flicking through them. After a minute, she did the same.

  We communicated in monosyllables until the sofa was clear. Once there was enough space for two, she shot me a glance and gingerly lowered herself onto the browning cushion. A little puff of dust sputtered across the curling piles of paper we’d separated out.

  ‘Sit down,’ she said.

  ‘I’m fine.’

  ‘Danni . . .’

  Her voice cracked and my chin tilted up. She bit down on her lip, drawing all the blood out of it, while her eyes searched for mine in the dull light cast by the single swinging bulb. It was a repeat of the meeting upstairs, except this time I felt the tug of desire work its way towards my navel. I swallowed and glanced away.

  ‘Why can’t you look at me?’ she questioned.

  There was a teetering pile of brown envelopes tossed on a broken swivel chair. When I grabbed at the top one, the ancient glue bubbled against my fingertips. I brushed it onto the floor then ripped the envelope to get the documents out. All the time, I could feel Jude watching me, desperate to catch my eye again. She knew what she was doing; she’d always been the one in control.