Valerie Read online

  ‘It was nothing to do with making amends, was it?’

  Valerie’s face was blank. ‘What wasn’t?’

  ‘The internship. You were just trying to keep me occupied so I don’t ask about who you’re sleeping with this week.’

  ‘Is that how little you think of me?’ Valerie queried.

  ‘You never do anything unless there’s a reason for it, something in it for you.’

  ‘Can’t you give me credit for caring? I made a mistake about the internship and I fixed it. There’s nothing conspiratorial about wanting you to be happy. You’re my daughter.’

  Amy snorted and shook her head. ‘No, there’s something different. About you, about the way you’re being. In the car, you were . . .’

  ‘I was what, hmm?’ asked Valerie when she trailed off. ‘Some sort of ogre in heels? Really, Amy, tell me. I’m fascinated.’

  ‘Happy,’ she mumbled after a few seconds. ‘You were happy.’

  Tears suddenly stung her eyelids. She twisted away from Valerie, blinking at the light drizzling along the ceiling as the chandelier bobbed back and forth. Another memory washed over her; a chandelier jangling followed by Biddy’s sobs, Tim’s soft voice, and Valerie’s silence. The other two had been crying, but not her.

  ‘Sweetheart, we all deserve to be happy,’ Valerie said finally. ‘Clarice, me, you . . . What good are we doing your father by denying ourselves the privilege of living our lives? He couldn’t so we have to –’

  ‘Don’t do that,’ she warned.

  ‘It’s true, though.’

  Amy brushed away the tears spilling along her cheeks. ‘You’re a hypocrite and you’re a liar. Two things he always hated. By rights, he should’ve hated you. I don’t understand why he didn’t.’

  The words lingered in the air like dust. She listened, waiting for Valerie’s broadside, but the dust filtered away and left the air thick with something else. The door opened and a draught of warm air tinkled through the chandelier.

  ‘I know you don’t understand,’ answered Valerie. ‘But he would’ve wanted you to.’

  Chapter 7

  ‘It’s a woman, yeah?’

  Max flinched and smashed her hand on the underside of the switchboard. They’d been so quiet this afternoon that she’d almost forgotten Drew was slumped on the sofa like a beached whale, sucking lollipops and scratching his feet. Now she looked over and caught his smirk.

  ‘What is?’ she questioned.

  ‘You’re mooning. Have been for the last three weeks by my reckoning.’

  She turned the corner of her book down. ‘Can’t you go back to being a miserable prat?’

  ‘Yeah, could do. Only wouldn’t make a difference to you mooning. Or brooding, is it? Not the same thing, right?’

  ‘Armchair shrink, are you? Give it a rest and I’ll make you another brew.’

  The cup was sticky when he handed it over, coated in a layer of damp sugar. She rinsed it off while the kettle bottle then passed him a stack of ginger nuts to go with his tea. He held the lolly between his teeth and stuffed a biscuit in alongside it, chomping on them both.

  ‘Mooning’s when they haven’t called you back,’ he announced once he’d swallowed everything and licked the lolly stick clean. ‘Brooding – that’s what you do when you’re not calling them back. Come on, Max. How long have I known you?’

  ‘Too long,’ she muttered.

  He saluted her with the stick then began picking his teeth with it. ‘You do neither, that’s all I’m saying. You’ve always been happy as is.’

  ‘Have another bloody ginger nut and chuck that thing in the bin.’

  ‘Just call her for God’s sake.’

  She scrubbed her forehead. ‘If I chucked a biscuit outside, would you go fetch it?’

  ‘Catty,’ he said with a grin. ‘Seriously, call her. Saves me fielding her calls on switch when I’m trying to cut my toenails.’

  Max’s hand slipped and tea sloshed over her jeans. She winced as the burning spread down her thighs, hunting around the kitchen counters for a tea towel that wasn’t encrusted with lumps of coffee. She settled on the least worst and set to work on the soggy patches above her knees. Drew just watched, demolishing the last of the biscuits then scrabbling for another lolly.

  ‘She didn’t leave her name, but I’m not an idiot.’

  ‘Debatable,’ Max snapped.

  ‘Oh, come on, what are you doing shooting the messenger? Look, she wanted to know if you were working this aft. No bullshit about wanting a cab or anything, straight to the bullseye. I told her you were on switch till later tonight and she hung up on me. So, who is she? I’d call it a one-night stand job, but not with the way you’ve been looking lately. You’ve been pining for her.’

  ‘I’ve not been pining,’ she answered.

  Drew snickered. ‘Easier to just tell me.’

  ‘All right, all right . . .’ She took a gulp from what was left in her mug then dumped it on the side. ‘That night – when you lost Andrew – I turned up looking like I’d been dragged through a hedge backwards. You probably didn’t notice.’

  ‘I didn’t,’ he admitted with a pained smile. ‘My head was all over the place.’

  ‘Yeah, well, I’d stopped to help a woman with a flat tyre out by the nature reserve. She came with me to the hospital, was really good about it all. When she asked me out, I said no. End of, that’s what I thought. Then she turns up here a month ago. You won’t remember that either. You were off your face.’

  ‘Try me. What does she look like?’

  ‘Blonde hair, sapphire eyes, smaller than me.’ Max paused and cleared her throat. ‘Looks like she’s stepped out of a business magazine or something. I told you she was a rep.’

  His face lit up. ‘Bloody hell, she was gorgeous. You lucky cow.’

  ‘I’ll tell Elena you said that.’

  ‘So, what’s wrong? She’s fit, you’re needing some company –’

  ‘I’m not, though.’

  ‘Pull the other one. You’ve got it bad and she’s chasing after you. Sounds spot on to me. What are you waiting for?’

  Max shrugged, picking at the rust on the draining board with her thumbnail. ‘Better to leave it as a one-off.’

  ‘Why? That only pays out if you’re a martyr and you’re not. You don’t have to make it serious, but you can have a bit of fun before you go off her, right?’

  ‘It’s not that simple,’ she said. Then she threw the pack of lollies onto his lap. ‘Do me a favour and leave it, all right? It is what it is.’

  The lure of kebabs with Kev finally got Drew shifted. Until she handed over the switch at seven, Max kicked her feet out on the desk and buried her mind in a battered copy of Memoirs of a Rugby-Playing Man. She’d turned her mobile off days ago when it wouldn’t stop bleeping, but it was still in her pocket out of habit. On her way into the yard, she pulled it out then stuffed it back in again before her finger hit the power button. She was just reaching for her cab keys when something snatched at her arm and dragged her into the shadow of the high wall.

  ‘Kiss me.’

  Valerie’s lips were smothering hers before she could think. Hands slipped under her shirt then twisted higher, kneading her breasts, until Max forced them away. She held Valerie’s wrists aloft then shivered at her expression glimmering under the fading daylight.

  ‘You want me to touch you,’ Valerie said. ‘That’s why you’re hiding from me.’

  Max let her wrists drop, tucking her arms behind her back instead. ‘I’m not.’

  ‘Then what would you call ignoring my voicemails, hmm? And not responding to my numerous text messages?’

  ‘Proper etiquette after a one-night stand,’ Max replied.

  Valerie shook her head. ‘No, no, you’re not hiding behind that. I don’t know much about you, but I’m sure of one thing. You’re the kind of woman who makes things clear. Sure, you walk away, but both sides are happy with that. I’m not happy.’

  ‘What are you
after – a refund?’

  ‘A little honesty, that’s all.’

  The light around her eyes had dimmed. They were just these specks of sapphire pinning Max against the wall, centring all her senses on that point between her legs that had been throbbing for over a month. She knocked her fist rhythmically back against the brick, feeling the prickle along her knuckles. She didn’t expect Valerie to grab the arm and pull it clear of the wall.

  ‘Honesty, Max,’ she said, massaging the red spots on her knuckles. ‘Let’s go somewhere and talk. Then, if you really want me to, I’ll leave you alone. Please.’

  She sucked in her breath and nodded to the car. ‘I’ll drive.’

  All the way to the nature reserve, Valerie had been the model passenger. She’d sat with her hands clasped in her lap staring out of the side window and saying nothing. Max had been able to kid herself it was a normal fare until they parked alongside the empty cars and her stomach knotted up. She tugged the key from the ignition, waiting for Valerie to leave the cab first. That gave her a moment to squeeze her eyes shut and let the green surroundings bleed into black.

  ‘I’ve done some walking around here recently,’ said Valerie as Max fell into step beside her. ‘There’s a quiet path away from the lake, we’ll go up there.’

  Max just followed her, first across the pebbles and then over the dirt track that stretched into the woods. Her attention was fixed on the grey kitten heels that weren’t made for hiking, even though Valerie sprang over criss-crossing tree roots as if she was wearing proper boots. The feet suddenly stopped moving and Max barrelled into a suit that was brimming with sweat. Valerie grasped her waist, holding her steady somehow, then smiled.

  ‘You’re clumsy, you know. Those wine glasses were a nightmare to clean up.’

  ‘Thought that was both of us,’ she murmured.

  Valerie’s hand slipped inside her belt. ‘Oh, you do remember. Here was me thinking I’d imagined the best sex of my life. Thank goodness it wasn’t all a dream.’

  ‘I’m sorry,’ Max said.

  ‘Don’t apologise. Just explain.’

  She grimaced and scuffed her hand through her hair. ‘Sorry.’

  ‘You’re doing it again. Come on, Max. Why did you ignore me for three weeks? When you left, I said I’d see you soon and I meant it. Am I to assume you didn’t?’

  Max was struggling to breathe between the heady smell of lavender and Valerie’s trademark perfume. The hand tucked into her belt moved, pressing denim into her thighs. She began to arch against it then let out a growl and stepped away.

  ‘I’m not doing this,’ she said.

  ‘Well, at least you’re talking to me now,’ Valerie replied, crossing her arms. ‘Keep going – what is it you’re not going to do? Fuck me senseless, hmm? You’ve done that already. Make me ache to touch you to the point where I’m wandering around meetings with community leaders imagining my fingers inside you? Tell me it was a one-night stand for you. Tell me that was your plan.’

  ‘I didn’t have a plan,’ she muttered.

  ‘So, how can it be that difficult to adapt? Is it me? I mean, did I misinterpret what happened? If I’m coming off as a bunny boiler, Max, I’d really like to know.’

  Her hands were darting around all over the place. The midges spiralling through the trees were dodging out of her way, but Max couldn’t shift her eyes from the fingers running circles in the air. She took a step forward then fell back, kicking her heel through fallen leaves. They crinkled and sputtered up brittle dust that hung around their feet before crumbling back to the ground.

  ‘Max?’ Valerie prompted in a low voice.

  ‘You’re not a bunny boiler,’ she answered. She finally raised her eyes and attempted to stretch her lips into a smile. ‘You’re gorgeous, you’re – you’re everything someone on your wavelength would be lucky to have. But that’s not me. I’m not into politics, I’m not a poster girl. You don’t want the likes of me splashed all over the tabloids as your new – new friend.’

  Valerie tucked her hair behind her ear. ‘It would have to be private – private, not secret – for now. It’d be inappropriate given the circumstances if we were plastered all over the front pages.’

  ‘Inappropriate . . . Yeah, that’s what I meant.’

  ‘I don’t think you understand –’

  Max snorted. ‘Course not. I’m thick.’

  ‘Like hell you are,’ Valerie replied. ‘I mean Tim, that’s all.’

  ‘Who’s Tim?’ she asked then she looked down at her shoes coated in browning grass. ‘Oh, I get it. You’re married.’

  ‘It’s not –’

  ‘Course you’re married. What else would it be other than a straight woman looking for a bit of fun? It’s been staring me right –’

  ‘Let me finish, Max,’ Valerie interrupted, snapping a twig with her heel. ‘I’m not married, I’m a widow. Tim died of cancer a year ago, not long at all in the grand scheme of things. He left me that wonderful house, a heap of money, and a gaping hole in my life that I decided to fill with politics.’

  Max just stared at her. ‘You’re too young to be a widow.’

  ‘Well, there were quite a few years between us. It didn’t matter and I loved him, but I wasn’t expecting to lose him so quickly. Mid-thirties and I suddenly have this label, I’m a widow and that’s it. I couldn’t do it. I couldn’t forever be known as Tim Smythe’s widow, living on the money he’d left in his bank accounts and doing nothing all day.’

  She tangled her hands together as she finished and glanced around the woodland. Max’s eyes were still fixed on her, drinking in every ripple along her shirt and the way her teeth nipped their way along her lower lip. It ignited a fuse in Max’s body that she could feel buzzing in all directions. She took a step forward then halted.

  Valerie looked back, her eyes glistening. ‘Max?’

  ‘I don’t do relationships,’ she warned.

  ‘Then I’m not asking for one. I’ll take whatever’s on offer, as long as you stop running away from it. I can’t concentrate because I’m thinking about your head between my legs every five minutes, and I need to concentrate.’

  ‘Yeah, I get that.’

  ‘So, we have a deal?’ Valerie asked.

  Max reached out and slipped a hand inside her trousers, feeling the material strain around her fingers. She wrapped her free arm around Valerie’s slender shoulders and let her lips do the answering back.

  Chapter 8

  ‘How many times have I walked in here to see you like that?’

  Amy’s eyes snapped open. Her spine ached pressed against Tim’s desk and her head was throbbing. The last she’d been aware of, the sun was beaming into the study, but now the room was bathed in an orange glow and Valerie was leaning against the door jamb. Amy struggled to her feet, using the desk as a crutch.

  ‘I didn’t hear you come home,’ she said.

  ‘You were asleep, sweetheart. In fact, you look exhausted.’

  Amy blinked to clear her vision. ‘I’m fine.’

  ‘You’re not. Listen, I know you’re not happy about being here for weekends, but Clarice was quite –’

  ‘So you’ve said. I’m going to find something to eat.’

  ‘No need,’ Valerie said, spinning on her heel. ‘I picked up a pie. I’ll go and put the oven on. You can stay in here if you’d like.’

  ‘I don’t need your permission.’

  The creaks on the stairs uncoiled the knot in her stomach. She closed the door and settled back against Tim’s desk, though the dream she’d been enjoying before the interruption was gone. The wood was rigid now, too stiff for comfort. She tolerated it until Valerie called her down for dinner then found her shoulders easing as she flicked the light off and slipped out of the door.

  Dinner was improved by the CD player humming Chet Baker in the corner, making conversation unnecessary. Amy stood to move her place and Valerie cleared her throat.

  ‘How about a coffee, hmm?’

&n
bsp; Amy stifled her sigh and shrugged. While the coffee brewed, she loaded the dishwasher, the few bits and pieces they’d used dwarfed by the scale of it. Then she stood in the middle of the kitchen with her toes curled into her slippers waiting for Valerie to turn around.

  ‘Let’s take these through to the living room,’ she said when she did. ‘I need to talk to you about a few things.’

  Amy trailed after her, watching the ritual of closing blinds, lighting candles, and lowering lamps from the threshold. The room glimmered like a catalogue advert, although Valerie’s motions were constrained. Her thumb strayed too close to a flame on the mantelpiece, but she didn’t let out a murmur. She tucked the hand underneath a cushion as they sat down on opposite sofas with their coffee cups and Amy’s eyes narrowed.

  ‘You’re not pregnant, are you?’ she questioned.

  Valerie chuckled. ‘No, I’m not. I’m sorry about bringing Rob back that time. I embarrassed you.’

  ‘I wasn’t embarrassed, I was angry.’

  ‘Okay, okay, I know that. I do. And I understood it in the end. I know how it looks to you and what goes through your mind, but you’re wrong. I was establishing barriers, I suppose. Those one-night stands were part and parcel of that. Maybe it’s because bringing someone else into this situation feels incredibly awkward. How do I explain about us, hmm?’

  ‘Well, you could try the truth. Then again, that’s never been your strong point, has it?’

  ‘Amy –’

  ‘Is this going somewhere? Only I’ve got a book to read.’

  ‘Surely you could read it down here like you used to do, instead of hiding away upstairs.’

  Amy shook her head. ‘You don’t get it, do you? This isn’t my home. This isn’t where I grew up. It’s . . . something else, something you’ve made. It’s not mine, it’s not Dad’s. I’m actually amazed you left my room and the study alone when you went crazy.’

  ‘I nearly didn’t.’ Valerie tapped her cup then took a long sip. ‘Darling, I know you think I set out to erase him from history, but that wasn’t the case. Sometimes, it’s easier to move on than to dwell on the past, that’s all. Now, I’m not blaming you, but if you’d stayed perhaps I wouldn’t have gone as far as I did. I wanted to make it new, make the memories go away. Of him – and us.’